Published on Haaretz
Exclusive excerpts from Donald Trump’s own Inaugural notes. *Satire
This will be a speech like the world has never seen before. This will be tremendous. People tell me, thank you Donald, for making America great again. I’m tremendous.
For eight years, the president was super-smart, thoughtful, decent, caring, cautious, fair and strategic.
Obamacare is a disaster. It really really is. There are so many things wrong with it. So many. I’m going to tell you what they are and then I’m going to replace it, it’s already being replaced, it’ll be replaced by the time I finish this speech. It’s been replaced.
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The Supreme Court justice. Democrats came up with nada. Me. Just now, picked him, confirmed, already sworn in, already died, sad, replaced.
The Middle East
You can solve the Middle East, Donald, nobody else. Not the UN, only Trump can do it. Middle East people calling me all the time, 90% of them agree with me, they know best, they do.
My son-in-law Jared Kushner, he’s Jewish, my daughter Ivanka, Jewish, so anti-Semitic, not. Racist, not. Hate Mexicans, not. I like white people. There’s a lot of us. Shipping white people’s jobs overseas? That’s racist.
Here’s how I bring peace to the Middle East.
First, we nuke ISIS. Anyone against nuking ISIS, raise your hand.
You! Wrong answer!
Syria? Shut it down. Closed for business. Send everybody home. Simple.
Iran, the deal is off, finito, kaput! No nukes in Iran unless I drop them.
Jerusalem is home to three great religions, people say this. Not true! Home to two great religions and the other one.
Jews are smart. They already built a wall. I’m going to make it bigger. Biggest wall ever, bigger than the Big Wall of China. Jews on one side. Arabs on the other. Penthouse on top of the wall. Two penthouses, Jew penthouse and Arab penthouse. Jews watch the Jews. Arabs watch the Arabs. Or you can switch. Up to you.
I will move the American embassy to Jerusalem, already being moved, moved, done. Nobody voted for me in Tel Aviv. Palestinians, I’ll give you something too. You’ll thank me, best deal of all time. Listen to this.
The West Bank. It’s rocks. Hills. Nothing. There’s no place for a golf course. But a casino. The Trump Minaret. Arabs get 40% of the house, Israel gets the rest. Fair’s fair. Palestinians, they build the casino. Jews don’t know how to build. Jews will count the money.
Free chips for all my friends, Bibi, Daniel, Naftali. It’ll open all night. That’s not bribery, it’s generosity. Democrats are too cheap to buy anti-virus programs. No wonder they have no friends.
Bibi’s got his own newspaper. Smart. The Trump Times. The Daily Trumpet. The Donald. The Trump Chump. Real news for real citizens.
Muslims. This is a very bad problem, bad people doing very bad things, harmful things, deadly things. England knows. France knows. We’re going to send our Muslims back to ArabLand where they come from. That’s not racist. Helping people get home, that’s what we do.
And we’ll send them to Mexico. See if they don’t pay for the wall then.
Aren’t there too many Chinese? Am I the only one who noticed that? And they can’t speak English.
So what if Russians got me elected. We can make them citizens too. We get rid of the Mexican Muslims, we’ll have plenty of room.
Russia blackmailing me? How? There’s nothing I’m ashamed of. And I didn’t do it. Maybe I’m blackmailing them.
CNN – that stands for: Fake – News – Network. Don’t listen to them. Listen to me. If Global Warming was real, the swamp would have dried up.
They say I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I didn’t make me that way. God made me that way. Ministers, Priests, Rabbi Hier – his name says it all – they told him, don’t go bless Trump. But as F. Scott Fitzgerald said; the rich are better. He was a writer. Died young, drunk. Sad.
I don’t pay taxes I don’t want to pay. That makes me American. And I promise my voters you won’t pay taxes. No jobs no taxes.
Know what else American’s don’t want? To see my tax returns. Know what Americans do want to see? My wife. Beautiful woman. And my house. They want to live in my house. Lifestyles of the rich and famous. That’s what my presidency is all about. All you nasty women marching out there! Keep marching. Nobody wants to look at you.
I got four years. Why not 8, or 12 or 16? Laws change. Let’s get working on it.
I’m starting today. So I want to thank my kids, my wives, my voters.
The rest of you? I know where you live.
Just got inaugurated! Very moved! Terrific photo op! MAGA!
After 4 years, you’re not happy with the job I do, I’ll say this to you, the American People: