Inside Bibi’s brain

Published in Times of Israel

Over these last weeks, we listened in to the relentless war raging inside Bibi’s brain between the Beleaguered Statesmen, the Pintele Yid, and the Private Pollster. Excerpts follow:

Beleaguered Statesman: During the relentless rocket barrage on innocent civilians, the western world stood shoulder to shoulder with Israel against the Hamas terrorists.

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Private Pollster: Our voters are not happy.

Beleaguered Statesman: But Obama supported Iron Dome.

Pintele Yid: That’s your idea of a message?

Private Pollster: You know the sound of one hand clapping?

Beleaguered Statesman: The President of the United States remained steadfast at the United Nations. We were two against the world.

Private Pollster: There they go! Running to the right! Running to the center!

Pintele Yid: Doesn’t Khaled Mashaal say the darnedest things!

Beleaguered Statesman: All right, all right. (Sigh) My friends – the Palestinians want all of Israel. This requires no interpretation.

Private Pollster: Our loyal constituents are turning in their tracks.

Beleaguered Statesman: Europe sold us out with their double standard, judging my words by my actions.

Private Pollster: When will they ever learn?

Beleaguered Statesman: Obama threw us under the bus.

Private Pollster: The voters are coming back! Applause is building nicely.

Pintele Yid: The whole world is against us.

Private Polster: Ovation forming.

Pintele Yid: The Jew stands alone.

Private Pollster: Wild cheering.

Pintele Yid: Never forget.

Private Pollster: Ecstasy.

Beleaguered Statesman: Let us now build in E1! A settlement a day, and no price to pay.

• • •

Private Pollster: Uh oh. Obama’s on the line Merkel’s on the line and what’s-his-name from Canada…

[Whoop whoop whoop! Damage control!]

Beleaguered Statesman: Madame Chancellor. Mr. President. Prime Minister… umm… Harper! (whew!)

I’ve got Feiglin crawling up my ass and Danon breathing down my neck. None of this is directed at you. You like football so you know, just like all sports are local, all politics are domestic, my friends. We are making zoning arrangements to freak out the Palestinians and keep my right flank twiddling its thumbs. Take a close look. Do you see any building going on in E1? I mean, besides that dusty old police station.

Pintele Yid: Here, slap my wrists. A Jew can take pain.

Beleaguered Statesman: When are the Palestinians not pissed off? We must punish nonviolent diplomacy… I mean unilateral provocations, and make them pay when they do what we want and make them pay double when they do what they want. We have no choice when we have no partner. The Third Intifada is coming. Terrorists terrorists terrorists.

Pintele Yid: Slap my wrists again. It’ll make you feel good.

Beleaguered Statesman: Ladies and gentlemen. Christmas is coming and that’s when you goyim go skiing. Clear your heads in the crisp mountain air. We’ll forget about the whole thing and have a nice date with Iran in the New Year. And remember, praise us, condemn them.

Pintele Yid: When will they ever learn? Want one more slap? Come on. You’ll feel better.

• • •

Beleaguered Statesman: Let’s have some natural growth to show Abbas who’s boss… Of course there are no sanctions. And we made boycotts illegal. What? That’s only inside Israel?! Send Sheldon some tzimmes and Mitt a nice gefilte fish from the Sea of Galilee. How did they screw that up?

Private Pollster: You better watch out for Gideon Sa’ar.

You better not cry for Ehud Barak

You better not pout for Benni Begin, Dan Meridor or Miki Eitan I’m telling you why.

Aryeh Deri’s coming to town.

Beleaguered Statesman: I know that song from somewhere. Alas poor Ehud. I knew him well. Who will I blame for taking down outposts? And what-the-hell kind of name is Boogie?

Private Pollster: Avigdor resigned.

Beleaguered Statesman: Never kid a kidder. For real? Avigdor, you’re going to have a few weeks free, so I want you campaigning against persecution by the justice system which cleared you and not setting up dummy corporations, shell companies or new family businesses. Kapish?

Private Pollster: Shelly’s creeping up. And she plays nice with your pals.

Beleaguered Statesman: Yachimovich wants a two-state solution.

Private Pollster: So do most Israelis. So do you. I mean, officially.

Beleaguered Statesman: Leftist Arab loving settler hating enemy of the state.

Private Pollster: She never mentions Palestinians.

Beleaguered Statesman: Peres will divide Jerusalem.

Private Pollster: Been there. Done that.

Beleaguered Statesman: The Labor Party will divide Jerusalem.

Private Pollster: That’s a mouthful.

Beleaguered Statesman: Yachimovich will divide Jerusalem.

Private Pollster: But she says she won’t. So repeat. Ignore. Repeat.

Beleaguered Statesman: Yachimovich will divide Jerusalem.

Private Pollster: Now you’re talking.

• • •

Private Pollster: Livni’s back. And with Amir Peretz. Olmert’s sitting tight.

Beleaguered Statesman: That’s a good joke. Tell me another.

Private Pollster: Lapid, Mofaz.

Beleaguered Statesman: That tickles.

Private Pollster: The social protest joined Labor.

Beleaguered Statesman: Children children. You’re cracking me up.

Private Pollster: He’s on the line again.

Beleaguered Statesman: Mr. President. Barry, baby. We both have big plans for our next terms (my third, your second). Peace prize shmeese prize. We’re going to make history! War with Iran, or maybe a little peace, whichever comes first. Mr. President! Chancellor! Prime Minister! Me? Stab you in the back? I have a bit of the scorpion in me, so I can’t help that, but pay no mind. We won’t drown, if you can swim. Remember our united vision; stay in power at all costs.

Pintele Yid: And don’t forget, a united Jerusalem.

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